The Republic of Awesome

An annoying thing about innit is that everyone is just so nang crazy that they’d spam the Chatbox hoping to make it into the top 10 box.

A pretty idiotic prospect, since getting to the top 10 through spam is like winning the Special Olympics – yes you’re a champ, but ultimately your blog is still retarded.

No offense so Special Olympics athletes. My heart goes out to them.

Thus transpired the events of this afternoon, which shall forever be known as the Dang Intervention.

It started innocently enough, with a warning to dang whoever spammed.

Nonetheless, it didn’t take long for shit to hit the fan.

Chats are read from bottom up.

Right after I issued my warning someone JUST had to test my mettle.

Unfortunately for that person, I’m a man of my word.

Danged!

But somehow, the just NEVER SEEM TO LEARN!

Pictured: People with learning disability.

Victims of learning disability

Truth to be told, I do read stuff on innit. However the problem is that 83% of the posts on innit are just pure unadulterated rubbish.

They are either:

• a) Boring
• b) Uninsightful
• c) Poorly written
• d) Plagiarised from other sites
• e) All of the above

My advice to you?

Consistently churn out quality, original works that you can proudly read over and over again. No, not on how your day went (unless this involves a lot of sex or violence), but on something people would find interesting and would love to read.

Pictured: Sex and violence

Personally, I read blogs that are funny or intelligent or both.

Funny as in I laugh my arse off between each paragraph. Intelligent in that it makes me think, without the author sounding like a pretentious fuckwad.

Google image result for ‘pretentious’.

Guest quote from AngelKein which just about sums it up:

“People think getting nangs will help improve their traffic, yes it does, but just a small pile of poo. You want get more visitors, write nicer posts that will attract people’s attention. And with clean simple layout and normal read-able fonts. Oh yeah. With read-able English also. How do you expect your traffic to increase if people can’t even read nor understand your posts.”

~~

Aside: Let’s make this an innit Chatbox policy! People who spam get 1 chance. The moment they spam again, BOOYAKASHA we DANG them! If you support this, spread this message to all and sundry!

Final aside: No insult meant for people who are actually retarded (as in mentally challenged like, for real) or with learning disabilities. Dyslexia is not as fun as TV make it out to be =(

Today’s newspaper ran an article about how a Japanese whaling ship rammed a speedboat manned by anti-whaling activists, chopping off the front section of the boat.

You can read about it here.

Somehow I have always been intrigued by the exploits of the Sea Shepherds. They sail where evil whaling ships go about killing whales and sabotage their operations. This is done by throwing stink bombs and tangling the whaling ships’ drive systems with ropes.

Hell yeah it sounds like something I’d do even without the noble bit of saving whales!

But seriously just stink bombs?

If I were to lead an environmental activist group which uses ‘extreme’ measures, I’d be a lot more extreme than that!

It’ll be called Al-Greena and we’d do shit like bomb factories spewing toxic chemicals, disable forest clearing machinery with thermite, throw petrol bombs at organisations that do dastardly things to the environment, and other generally destructive measures.

Oh and kidnapping delegates at environmental summits who do not support carbon-reducing protocols. Then we’ll put them in a sealed room and pipe in smoke from burning hydrocarbons before calling the cops and fleeing.

Finally an Al-Greena representative will appear in the media claiming responsibility for the attacks. Gaia-hu-akhbar, motherfuckers!

Anarchy and destruction with a cause that’ll get you laid. Goddamn, call me Tyler Durden and sign me righttt up!

I am so angry right now that I am just posting this filler post for if I posted what I really wanted to post I am certain I will regret it later.

A wise friend of mine once taught me through his actions that when angry to the point of homicidal tendencies, one should just pull himself away and cool off before doing anything he would regret later.

Unlike this fucking psycho who didn’t figure on cooling off. Get a grip, geez.

Well this is such a time. I swear if I wasn’t nicely intoxicated for the last 6 hours or so I would have destroyed property and lives on the scale of Hitler. That’s a scale a little below A major, but makes a good harmonious tune nonetheless.

What the fuck am I saying.

Ok so anyway yes – the only reason why I’m not in jail for Godzilla-level destruction is that I was too stoned to have done anything but hurt myself. Thanks, alcohol – I owe you one!

Alcohol – the lifesaver!

PS: No, alcohol doesn’t actually help. I’m sure you’ve read about plenty of drunken murderers. What really helps is calming the fuck down and realising that you are so much more effective when you’re not encumbered by strong emotions. Take a deep breath, stop being angry and be awesome instead.

Now you know, GI Joe, and knowing is half the battle!

PSS: I’m really not angry anymore. Because I take my own advice. Because I’m so awesome.

HA! In your face, people with anger problems! Go to your pathetic anger management classes and whine and complain about how your daddy used to hit your around like a little bitch!

Sometimes when you’re down and you think “aw, man this really sucks – but at least it can’t get any goddamn worse!”, life likes to come around and kick you in the testicles.

Why? Cos life comes along and thinks to itself, “hey this here fellow’s down for the count, I don’t suppose another kick to the bollocks should matter much – here goes!”

Which does kind of make sense – a kick to the bollocks while you’re happily running down the hallway certainly is more damaging. On the other hand it’s also more entertaining; I’m sure failblog.org has covered something like that before.

Kicks to the bollocks aside, I’m thinking that this year’s off to a bad start.

And no, it’s not because the New Year’s glasses make you look like a dumb dick.

Yes I know it worked well for the previous 9 years, but seriously…

Thus my 2010 goal: Produce the unreasonably large quantities of awesomeness required to solve the world awesome shortage problem.

Oh the poor poor people, who suffer from a lack of awesome. Studies have shown that a lack of awesomeness is the 83rd killer in the developing world.

Happy New Years blah blah blah all that bullshit about new year, new decade, new hope, new love etc. Alright? Ok? Great, done with the compulsory sappy parts.

I mean, come on people – it’s an arbitrary point in the Earth’s orbit. And not a very accurate one at that – it’s always off by 1/4 of a day which we have to make up for every leap year.

Add to that the fact that December is meant to be the 10th month (decimal, decagon, decade… notice how it all refers to 10?). This is from the Latin number names from which the months are named – ‘septem’ is 7, ‘octo’ is 8, ‘novem’ is 9 and ‘decem’ is 10.

Question: Why is the 5th month not named Pentober?
Answer: Cos Al Qaeda will fucking blow it up.

But I guess the New Years are useful in that they force people to reflect on their lives.

Time to realise that you’re a big unattractive loser. Here’s a tissue, go cry in one corner.

When you’re done come back and make some goddamn resolutions!

Here’s a good resolution to make:

No, I’m not asking you to own a chain of Japanese kopitiams.

Go out there in the year of 2010 and kiss a ten!

You’re going to ask, ‘what’s a ten?’, following which I conclude you’re either female or gay.

This is a ten.

What’s that? You’re a largely unattractive loser?

Fine. Aim lower and kiss a five!

*Can’t find pictures of a five – no problem, just look around you; five is about average*

But! Don’t kiss a five knowing you could’ve kissed a ten – you’ll never be happy. Lesson learnt from life - it’s a true story.

Now go on and get fucking drunk tonight. Good bye =)