The Republic of Awesome

Ok so in case you didn’t already guess it, the previous post is a sham.

A well researched sham but a sham nonetheless. References:

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defense_Industry_of_North_Korea
• http://www.fas.org/asmp/campaigns/smallarms/IssueBrief3ArmsTrafficking.html
• http://www.havocscope.com/ak-47-price-in-the-niger-delta/
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Bout
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arms_trafficking

If you’re doing a report on arms smuggling, I basically did all the work for you. Freeloader.

Some stats for the day*:

Attempted: 14

Number of people conned: 4.5

Number of times Arms Smuggler story used: 9

Number of times Arms Smuggler story succeeded: 0.5

Number of times other stories succeeded: 4

Number of times conned: 0

*Note that stats are for Face-to-Face only. Online stats are unknown.

Moral of the story: It is thusly proven that I do not have a mouth that can talk shit into gold. QED, motherfuckers!

Ok so awhile back, a bunch of churches were firebombed in Malaysia over the usage of the word ‘Allah’ in a Christian Malay language publication.

Now it seems a couple of Muslim prayer rooms were burned in return.

Goddamn, shit is really going to hit the fan this time.

I really think all parties should just chill out – both the Christians and the Muslims.

Christians wanna use the word Allah?

Let them. That word predates your religion, other Muslim countries are doing it without any problems, and the excuse of Muslims being led astray is lamer than the Special Olympics.

If anything, Christians seeing the word ‘Allah’ in their Bibles might just seek out the original recipe Allah and convert to Islam.

Muslims wanna keep Allah to themselves?

Let them. That word is special to them. Add to that you’re in a Muslim country; you’re really fucking with a hornet’s nest here.

Just invent another word for God for your Malay Bibles. It’s not like the Bible is usually read in the original language anyway.

In fact, the original recipe Bible came in two languages – the Old Testament was in Hebrew and the New Testament in Greek. That’s kinda like having the first Matrix movie in English and then the sequels in classical Latin.

Which would’ve fucking saved the franchise, but do nothing for Keanu Reeve’s acting.

But seriously, what’s with all this fighting over a word to represent the Almighty? It’s not even His name, for Heaven’s sake.

After all, we know that God is really…

Morgan Freeman!

Damn I procrastinate way too much.

Apparently though, procrastination is not caused by genetics but rather by upbringing.

According to this article, procrastination is indirectly caused by authoritarian parents. The child never develops self regulatory abilities, as they are always being controlled by the parents. Thus, they never learn to fulfil their intentions by acting on them.

Alternatively, procrastination developed amongst such children as a form of rebellion against controlling parents. While they cannot disobey, but they sure as hell can put off what they’re told to do.

So there you go – next time you catch yourself in front of Facebook instead of doing your work, you can think back on daddy and mommy and freaking blame them.

Don’t you just love psychology?

~~

Alright so now for the $64,000 question:

How do you stop procrastinating??

I don’t know.

I believe if you do something for 21 days it’d stick as a habit and you’d do it the rest of your life.

Yes this is one of those posts where I pledge to do something in hopes that my crowd of readers will threaten to stone me to death if I don’t fulfil my promises.

Which means I’ll try to stop procrastinating for 21 days…

…

…that is starting tomorrow. Or the day after…

…or the day after that…

I made this one. No stealing!

I am so angry right now that I am just posting this filler post for if I posted what I really wanted to post I am certain I will regret it later.

A wise friend of mine once taught me through his actions that when angry to the point of homicidal tendencies, one should just pull himself away and cool off before doing anything he would regret later.

Unlike this fucking psycho who didn’t figure on cooling off. Get a grip, geez.

Well this is such a time. I swear if I wasn’t nicely intoxicated for the last 6 hours or so I would have destroyed property and lives on the scale of Hitler. That’s a scale a little below A major, but makes a good harmonious tune nonetheless.

What the fuck am I saying.

Ok so anyway yes – the only reason why I’m not in jail for Godzilla-level destruction is that I was too stoned to have done anything but hurt myself. Thanks, alcohol – I owe you one!

Alcohol – the lifesaver!

PS: No, alcohol doesn’t actually help. I’m sure you’ve read about plenty of drunken murderers. What really helps is calming the fuck down and realising that you are so much more effective when you’re not encumbered by strong emotions. Take a deep breath, stop being angry and be awesome instead.

Now you know, GI Joe, and knowing is half the battle!

PSS: I’m really not angry anymore. Because I take my own advice. Because I’m so awesome.

HA! In your face, people with anger problems! Go to your pathetic anger management classes and whine and complain about how your daddy used to hit your around like a little bitch!

Sometimes when you’re down and you think “aw, man this really sucks – but at least it can’t get any goddamn worse!”, life likes to come around and kick you in the testicles.

Why? Cos life comes along and thinks to itself, “hey this here fellow’s down for the count, I don’t suppose another kick to the bollocks should matter much – here goes!”

Which does kind of make sense – a kick to the bollocks while you’re happily running down the hallway certainly is more damaging. On the other hand it’s also more entertaining; I’m sure failblog.org has covered something like that before.

Kicks to the bollocks aside, I’m thinking that this year’s off to a bad start.

And no, it’s not because the New Year’s glasses make you look like a dumb dick.

Yes I know it worked well for the previous 9 years, but seriously…

Thus my 2010 goal: Produce the unreasonably large quantities of awesomeness required to solve the world awesome shortage problem.

Oh the poor poor people, who suffer from a lack of awesome. Studies have shown that a lack of awesomeness is the 83rd killer in the developing world.