The Republic of Awesome

Happy New Years blah blah blah all that bullshit about new year, new decade, new hope, new love etc. Alright? Ok? Great, done with the compulsory sappy parts.

I mean, come on people – it’s an arbitrary point in the Earth’s orbit. And not a very accurate one at that – it’s always off by 1/4 of a day which we have to make up for every leap year.

Add to that the fact that December is meant to be the 10th month (decimal, decagon, decade… notice how it all refers to 10?). This is from the Latin number names from which the months are named – ‘septem’ is 7, ‘octo’ is 8, ‘novem’ is 9 and ‘decem’ is 10.

Question: Why is the 5th month not named Pentober?
Answer: Cos Al Qaeda will fucking blow it up.

But I guess the New Years are useful in that they force people to reflect on their lives.

Time to realise that you’re a big unattractive loser. Here’s a tissue, go cry in one corner.

When you’re done come back and make some goddamn resolutions!

Here’s a good resolution to make:

No, I’m not asking you to own a chain of Japanese kopitiams.

Go out there in the year of 2010 and kiss a ten!

You’re going to ask, ‘what’s a ten?’, following which I conclude you’re either female or gay.

This is a ten.

What’s that? You’re a largely unattractive loser?

Fine. Aim lower and kiss a five!

*Can’t find pictures of a five – no problem, just look around you; five is about average*

But! Don’t kiss a five knowing you could’ve kissed a ten – you’ll never be happy. Lesson learnt from life - it’s a true story.

Now go on and get fucking drunk tonight. Good bye =)

Ok so I haven’t been posting for a little more than a week.

I just got home this week and I’ve been enjoying some quiet family time, is all.

Pictured: Quiet family time.

Since it’s Christ’s birthday today, Imma get a lil religious on your ass.

(Even though I’m a non-believing-going-to-Hell atheist. Can you say ‘lol’?)

Anyway to the point: Jesus is awesome.

Not because he can turn water into wine, although that pretty much guarantees his popularity at just about any party in the world.

Buddha on the other hand makes a mean whiskey.

Not because he makes the blind see, or the lame walk, or walks on water. Even though that last one is a pretty nifty trick.

Then again, so can Naruto and his pals…

But because he selflessly died on the cross to absolve mankind of all its sins.

Think about that a second. Think about what it all means.

He died so us imperfect humans, who are so naturally inclined to sin, can go up there and chill out with our Maker when it’s all over.

He gave his life and died a rather excruciating death for no other reason than because he cared about the poor misguided humans, who did nothing but beat the crap out of him and nail him to a giant plank of wood.

Thanks a lot, humans.

He did all that so you can mercilessly jerk it to weird-ass hentai all night long and still enter the Kingdom of Heaven. So think about that next time you go porno surfing.

Seriously.

However if you’re still unconvinced that Jesus is awesome, then see him beat the warm liquid faeces out of several Greek mythical figures:

Click to fullview.

I’ll sum it up in 3 words: Pure unadulterated awesome.

I love the Google search suggestions. They reveal much about what people are searching for.

In Malaysia, people are concerned about…

…the Jews being smarter than them. Mm mm Anti-Semitism goodness.

Another interesting thing Malaysians searched for is ‘why English is important’. Understandable considering the deplorable state of the Queen’s language in Malaysia. (Case in point: ‘why the jews so smart’ is grammatically incorrect, yet it is a prominent search string)

I got an idea for you. Learn proper English you dingbat! It’s not called the ‘international language of knowledge’ for nothing. Then you’d be way smarter than the Jews for sure.

Over in Singapore, the topic du jour is…

…smelly Indians. Fucking racists. I think we Chinese people are probably the most racist in the world. If Chinese characters had Roman alphabets they’d start the KKK or some shit.

Speaking of racism, a search on ‘chinese racists’ brought to my attention the plight of Lou Jing. Miss Lou is a girl in China born of a Chinese mother… who had an extra-marital affair with a black man.

It seems Chinese people have an inherent dislike for people of darker skin than them (or a massive fear of 8 inch Nigger dong), for netizens in China basically blasted the poor girl when she appeared on a TV show.

Here’s the girl in question:

I dunno about you, but damnnn - she’s fine!

Dumbass racists, it doesn’t matter what skin colour a person is. A hot chick is a hot chick, even if she’s got blue skin. (Question: Would you bang Mystique of the X-Men?)

Internationally, people searched about…

…smelly vaginas apparently.

It’s called vaginitis and you can get over the counter treatment at your friendly local pharmacy.

Aside from that, popular search topics were why men have nipples, why their poop is green (ew – too much veggies?), and why did I get married too (I assume they are referring to the movie due in 2010).

So what can you learn from all this?

People in Malaysia are anti-Semitic, people in Singapore are racists, and people around the world have smelly vaginas!

Ok it’s Music Wednesday again! (a.k.a my pathetic attempt to keep this blog alive)

Song: Viva La Vida by Coldplay (Jazz Cover)

I don’t think there’s a word to describe the feeling when you’re alone on a spacecraft, billions of miles from the planet that you know so well, and everything just feels so hopeless and lost.

I thought it was ‘asthenia’, but it’s just a title for a Blink-182 song about such a situation. (Asthenia actually refers to the medical symptom of physical weakness)

We need a term for it. Well not yet, but we should have one anyway just in case. How about ‘caelum depressus’? Space depression? Emo-in-space Syndrome?

From Saturn, Earth is but a dot. That’s right, you’re insignificant.

While we’re on the topic of psychological conditions and Blink-182 songs, there is a condition called the Stockholm Syndrome.

This is a condition where victims who are taken hostage or abducted develop an attachment to their abductors, so much so to the extent that they will aid their abductors, or refuse to escape captivity even when assisted.

Surely it makes no sense to have such a response, siding with your captors instead of freeing yourself. Tell me how that’s unlike inviting trouble to your home, giving him a full hearty dinner, and letting him shag your wife and children.

However, evolutionarily it makes sense. This is as the practice of abducting women of other tribes for the purpose of child bearing is as old as humanity itself.

(Interesting factorial tidbit: It is theorized that the burqa worn by women in Arabian countries served in ancient times to hide that they were nubile child-bearing females. This is so that when your desert tribe gets raided by another, the raiders would make off with some old ladies with sagging tits and hopefully die of severe blue balls.)

That’s right. Under them burqas are sagging tits.

You see, when Grog the caveman abducted chicks in 10,000 B.C, he didn’t have much patience with chicks who didn’t put out. The Women’s Rights Movement wasn’t too big back then, so Grog took them clubbing instead.

Except with less music. And more heavy wooden objects.

Thus, the cavewomen who resisted their abductors all died out with no offspring, while the cavewomen who submitted produced offspring who all inherited the trait of submitting when abducted. Time played its course and soon we all evolved to have the Stockholm Syndrome psychological response.

Considering evolutionary factors require pretty substantive conditions to work, it means we humans have been doing a lot of abducting and raping over the eons.

Don’t you just love our species?