The Republic of Awesome

Over dinner back in Singapore, I sat around discussing with Kevin about the ‘Standout in Life’ contest. We realised we had to do something major. Something massive. Something… Spartan.

The conversation essentially went like this:

Kevin: “Hey have you heard about the Tiger Beer Standout in Life contest?”

He goes on to elucidate on the details.

Roger: “I don’t see why we shouldn’t join. We’re pretty much the ultimate in standing out.”

Kevin: “Yes!  But we need something extra awesome! I want to make this something that’ll standout above all others!”

Roger: “Hey remember that time I dressed up as a Spartan and ran around the hostel? Omg you still have the pictures right… don’t upload them on 4chan…”

Kevin: “YES! That’s a great idea! We can dress up as Spartans!! How about we make it more awesome than that…”

Roger: “How about we dress up as Spartans and run around somewhere public?”

I’m always coming with ideas faster than I can evaluate their possibly negative consequences. Oh well.

Kevin: “That’s exactly what we have to do!! When you going back? This Saturday can? I’ll call Chia Wei to photograph for us.”

Roger: “Set lah!! I’ll go get the stuff!”

Saturday came and went, thanks to much procrastination. Sunday rolls around and I decide it can’t wait much longer. I pick up the phone and call Kevin up.

Roger: “Eyh let’s do this man! I’ll by your place at say 4 then we’ll make it to 1Utama by dinner time. That’s when the most people will be there.”

Kevin: “What?? Don’t la weyh! What if I bump into someone who knows me?!”

I apparently couldn’t really care since my circle of friends stay a significant geographical distance from 1Utama. I bulldoze my way through and we agree to Spartan-ing at 6.

Yes I know. It’s a wonder I have any friends at all.

We have a final rendezvous at Chia Wei’s place. Kevin and I are on Spartan duty, Chia Wei’s the photographer, and Tysern’s there to be the anchor.

Yes anchor – every dangerous/socially unacceptable caper needs one. It’s the anchor’s job to keep hassling the others of the negative consequences of their actions.

Gathering our supplies in an abandoned trolley, we prepare for our trek to total embarrassment glory.

On the precipice of doing something likely to end in disaster, I seriously wonder how I made my friends go through with it. Oh right. Here’s how:

Roger: “Don’t pussy out on me man.”

Once again, I wonder how I have any friends at all.

A quick change in the bathroom, then out we went. No hesitation on our part.

One small step for a man, one giant motherf’ing Spartan flying kick for humanity!

We walk straight into a wall of stares. Whoever expects to get raided by ancient Greek warriors on a sleepy Sunday evening?

A little advertising for the competition’s sponsor, Tiger Beer, and we’re off.

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That’s the largest hot steaming load of marketing bullshit I’ve ever seen.

What the fuck is a ‘multi-sensory extravaganza’?

I’ll tell you exactly what it is.

When I step on a fresh warm dog turd, it’s a ‘multi-sensory extravaganza’.

First I feel the soft organic matter squeeze between my toes. The warmth and exquisite texture engage the tactile senses. This is followed an immediate release of the odours trapped within the turd. These permeate my nasal cavity and stimulate the olfactory receptors. Moving along, the instinct is to examine the mess I’ve stepped into, and I’m treated to the sight of brown feces coating the sole of my foot.

Holy humping cows, Batman! I’ve simultaneously engaged the sense of touch, smell and sight! By dictionary definition, that’s a multi-sensory extravaganza right there!

Making something sound exciting by inserting impressive sounding words. Goddamn. How is this unlike advertising a used car as a ’self-propelled wonder carriage’? Or toilet paper as ‘amazing derriere clensing wood pulp’?

Have you ever observed screaming fans?

They’re completely wild, driven by an insane need to holler at their object of affection.

If you didn’t know they were screaming fans, you’d think you just walked into the world’s largest amputation-without-anesthetic center from the disconcerting screams.

What exactly creates the Screaming Fans Effect?

What can drive a fully grown person to act uncontrollably; their eyes bulging out of their skulls as they shout their lungs out and attempt to claw at their Idol?

A theory forwarded by seduction literature is that the mere sight of the Idol creates an instantaneous spike in the fans’ attraction levels.

This is not unlike an uber-hot lady stripping in the middle of the street causing accidents.

Sauce: Failblog.org

The spike in attraction levels releases a sudden surge of chemicals in the brain, which immediately fries all available logic circuitry in the fans’ brains. Devoid of logic circuitry, the fans go into Rampage Mode and go all out psycho on the Idol.

Perhaps another theory is that the social dynamic at a event with other screaming fans permits behaviour that deviates from the norm.

As much as we like to consider ourselves as ‘individuals’, group-think is a mentality that we often fall victim to. The fervor of other fans screaming and acting uncivil-like would lend social proof to our own actions in a similar vein.

In other words, if everyone’s going all crazy, it’s socially permissible for ourselves to act similarly.

Crazy fans remind me of Left 4 Dead zombies.

The Screaming Fans Effect explains why stars can get laid like eggs on a chicken farm. A combination of attraction spikes and the social dynamic of a star-fan relationship allow for normally non-permissible behaviours to become acceptable.

What’s the moral of this story?

To get more ass than a butt doctor, go become fabulously famous.

Yes, it’s nothing you didn’t already know.

I was blog surfing when I came across the world’s most dumbass drama serial situation…

A wife is pissed off because she thinks her husband cares more for his mommie.

Thus, she asks him:

“If your mom and I were to fall into the river at the same time, who would you save first??”

Sauce: Sasa

There’s honestly no fucking way you can win that shit. It’s like being trapped between a rock, a bottomless cliff, and the mighty Spartan army of King Leonidas coming to whoop your sorry ass.

If you choose to save your mother, your wife goes thermonuclear. If you elect to save your wife, she’d nag about how you’re so heartless as to let your own mother die.

It’s all bad for the poor chump.

Which is why if you’re ever in such a situation, you can thank me for coming up with…

25 Stupid Answers to a Stupid Question

Macho man answer: I’m so strong I’ll save you both

Surprising answer: My mom used to work as a lifeguard. She’d save you.

Avoidance answer: …which is why we’re living so far from any rivers, dear. I’m doing my best to avoid such a terrible, terrible situation…

Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Card answer: ….but….I love you. (Guys seriously, those 3 words get you out of  almost any situation. Use it like a fucking urinal!)

Realistic answer: If you two are drowning, it’s likely the river currents would kill me as well. Jumping in results in 3 casualties. I’d call the river rescue corps.

Bochap answer: I’m going to get a beer.

Change-the-topic answer: Mmhmm. So how was shopping with the girls today?

Distract-and-flee answer: Hey look! Madonna taking a poop on Simon Corwell! It’s so funny heeeeee…. *run, you fool!*

“Jimi Hendrix - Hey Joe” answer: *whip out a .45 and shoot the woman*

Newtonian physics answer: Depending on the density of the water, you may not actually be drowning. Fluids have an upthrust force acting on submerged solids, which is equal to the weight of the fluid displaced.

Relativistic physics answer: Ah, but how do you ascertain that the event of you drowning in the river is indeed simultaneous with the event of my mother drowning in the river? You see, from a frame of  inertia moving at velocities close to c…

Quantum physics answer: Well we cannot tell for sure that you’re both drowning. You could be drowning and not drowning simultaneously.

Freudian answer: Tell me about your mother.

Literature answer: That’s an interesting narrative with elements of a tragic romance…

Politician answer: I promise you that our people are looking into it, and we will form an investigative commission…

Hopeless romantic answer: Without either one of you in my life, it’s not worth living! I’ll jump in and die with you!

Hopeless romantic answer version II: *starts sobbing like a fucking pansy* (It’s easier if you’re a big fan of Secondhand Serenade or Hawthorne Heights)

Badass answer: You better stop asking me such questions before I drown you in the river myself…

Religious answer: It was willed by God. What am I to do?

Situational reversal answer: *look really sad* …when I was young, my dad used to beat me… and dunk me into the nearby river until I almost drowned…

Kiamsap answer: You mean you still dunno how to swim after I paid for all your swimming lessons?! You #!%& woman! Waste my money!

Maria Gimik answer: Baikkkkkk ah~!!

Movie Previews answer: This summer, the clock is ticking… and he can only save ONE! …Keanu Reeves…(”I have to save her!”) …Scarlett Johannson… (”NO! You musn’t!”) …and Tom Cruise… (”NOOOOOOO…!”)…in…. The Decision… (movie rated R)

Samuel Jackson style badass answer: Bitch, you doing too much goddamn talking. *proceeds to beat wife*

Or if you prefer to be more terse:

Chuck Norris answer: *immediate roundhouse kick to the face*

Goddamn I have but two days of examinations left.

Not that you’d think I gave a shit if you observe my study habits.

I employ a JIT (Just In Time) studying system where I keep zero inventory of examinable knowledge until it is required. The advantage of a JIT system is that it prevents wastage from inventory costs and ensures a lean production system with as little inefficiencies as possible.

To y’all non-business laymen, a JIT studying  system essentially means chionging like your arse is getting flamethrowered  to finish studying the night before the examination

Massive inventories incur huge costs to maintain.

However, preparation is only half of the equation. The other half is how fast you can finish the questions.

If you can somehow find enough time to finish everything and chill, you’ve either missed out a question or you’re on crystal meth. Either way you’re fucked for the paper.

I find that the pace at which I do my papers heavily depends on the music I listen to before the examination.

Yes I’m like the motherfucking PATAPON’s who march to the beat of the Godlike drums.

I love PrataPorn.

This was proven when I had the cow-sense to listen to classical music prior to entering the examination hall.

To be specific, it was Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings. There’s probably few songs as slow and soothing as Barber’s composition - it’s the stuff they play at funerals or at tributes for dead  folks. Goddamn.

It’s a wonder I even finished half the paper on time.

Beethoven: Classical music pwns n00bs!

What does help for examinations is not something intelligent like classical music.

No, you need something trashier than a landfill. Something with an upbeat tempo and a strong beat. Something that makes you shake your arse in your seat as you attempt to elucidate on monopoly pricing.

Essentially, anything they play at clubs would do.

Personally I like Lady Gaga.

Why?

Because she likes it rough